


Real-World Impact

by Lilfella



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Sex, Blood, Consent, Discussions of Sexual Assault, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Consent, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Mind Games, Nausea, Non-Consensual Kissing, Non-Consensual Touching, Past Torture, Psychological Torture, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Remus' potty mouth, Restraints, Rope Bondage, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Torture, Unsympathetic Remus, Vomiting, unsympathetic Deceit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-10-18 21:16:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20645804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilfella/pseuds/Lilfella
Summary: When Logan tells Remus he has no real-world impact, Remus takes that as a personal challenge.I got peer-pressured on Tumblr into posting this. (I'm just kidding, y'all were very kind in your DM's and asks)This is very emotionally and psychologically taxing for me to edit on top of my massive fic Healing Broken Wings, so I decided it would be just that much easier on my mental health to post one chapter per day.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As always, _please_ tell me if I missed any triggers!
> 
> Hey folks! The section that contains the graphic depiction of sexual assault is in between the lines of tildes (these ~~~~~ lil fellers). Within that section, there is also the non-con touching, non-con kissing, nausea, and vomiting. After that section, the character does recall certain aspects of the sexual assault, but nothing terribly graphic.

Logan was at his desk, working on Thomas’ schedule when the distinct scent of rotting fruit met his nose. He turned to his door, where a piece of paper was being shoved under it. He heard a slightly deranged giggle as the Side ran away from his door.

_Ah. Remus._

He walked over and picked up the note, internally grimacing at the strange stickiness of it.

_“Hi Logan!_

_“Cum over to my room! I have given birth to an idea! Bathe in the afterbirth with me!_

_“Duke Dookie”_

Logan vanished the tainted letter, grateful he was in his room so he could also vanish the stickiness on his hands, straightened his tie, and left for Remus’ room. He knew he’d have to wait until he got back to his room before he could fix whatever Remus would decide to undoubtedly shower him with, but he could hold a poker face quite well. He had to; as Logic, it was his job to keep a level head in every situation. He’d let emotions get the best of him before and he was determined to not let it happen again. The others, _Thomas_, were counting on him. He refused to let his loved ones down.

He smiled as he passed Patton’s room and heard an excited squeal come from inside. Looking out of Thomas’ eyes, he saw that his Host was petting a dog. _That explains it._ Logan continued on his journey, glad his boyfriend was able to experience such a simple joy.

He took the stairs at the end of the hallway down, bypassing the Neutral Side and going directly into the Dark Side. He schooled his features into a practiced mask of indifference; despite knowing that Sides couldn’t cause any lasting impact on one another, he was no longer in his realm. Just as the Light Sides held more power in their realm, the Dark Sides had more power here, _far_ more power.

Logan bypassed a neon orange door before getting to a sickly green door. When he raised his hand to knock, the door swung open, then immediately slammed shut. Logan lowered his hand and waited for the Duke to decide to let him in. Finally, the door creaked open slowly, and Logan stepped through.

The room was chaos. Dirty clothes and takeout containers littered every available surface, rotting food was placed almost artfully in places - Logan made note of the string of sausages strung up on the curtain rod - and Remus was laying on his stomach on the bed. He had both hands propping up his head and his feet were swaying behind him, reminiscent of close friends gossiping at a sleep-over.

“So glad you could _come_,” Remus drawled.

“Quite. What is the idea you wished to share with me?”

Remus bounded off the bed and skipped over to Logan, stopping when he was a mere inch away from his face. Logan stayed calm. _He cannot cause lasting harm. I am in no real danger._

“OOOOOOOO I AM JUST SO _EXCITED_!!! You see, I am a Side that does not have a lasting impact on Thomas!”

“Yes, I believe we’ve covered that.”

“WEEELLLLLLL don’t you think I should be more effective at my job? You’re always the smart one!”

Logan adjusted his glasses at the compliment. “Perhaps not. Not every Side of Thomas needs to be able to have a direct effect on Thomas. You, as an example, only have indirect impacts on Thomas, and that is fulfilling your role. You are still effective as a Side.”

Remus’ smile dropped for a moment. “Oh Logan, Logan you stupid smarty-pants.”

Logan raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

“Oh I will. You mentioned in our little video together that I have no real-world impact, right?”

Logan felt nausea creeping up and his heart quicken. “Yes.”

“I think I can have a real-world impact on you! It’s an experiment! You love experiments, don’t you?”

_I need to tread carefully._ “I do enjoy experiments that follow the scientif-”

~~~~~

Logan was cut off by Remus smashing their mouths together and wrapping his arms around Logan tightly. Logan struggled in his grip, but only managed to pull his head back; Remus’ arms kept their bodies held together. He felt horror fill his veins when he identified a hardness pressing against his leg.

“Remus, I do not consent to this!” _A Side won’t go this far, he will stop, he will not knowingly sexually assault me._

_Hasn’t he already?_

Remus laughed as he started biting down harshly on Logan’s neck. “I know. I said I wanted to create a lasting impact. You said I couldn’t make a real-world impact. We’re gonna test that hypothesis!”

“Remus, I do not consent to this experiment!” Logan hated how his voice came out desperate and shaky.

“Yay! I’m already having an impact! This is so exciting!!” Remus shouted with glee.

_This cannot be happening, this isn’t happening, this cannot happen, this **cannot happen**…_

Remus lifted his hand enough to wave Logan’s clothes off.

“Please, no! Please don’t!” Logan begged, beginning to cry. “You’ve had a lasting impact on me, I swear! Please stop!”

Remus just cackled. “I can see that! The unflappable Logan, so pretty when he’s scared.” Remus shoved Logan so his stomach was on the bed and summoned ropes, quickly binding his wrists to the headboard as he screamed for help.

“No one can hear you!” Remus sing-songed. “Only me. So keep singing for me pretty pretty bird!”

Logan sobbed, hyperventilating and trying to keep from vomiting. “Please, _please_…”

“Well, since you asked so nicely.”

Logan felt Remus cover his body and lost the battle against nausea as Remus grabbed his hips. The world stopping spinning for a moment, Logan hovering in empty space where the only sound was Remus’ breathing and the only smell the stench of vomit.

The world moved again when Remus plunged dry into Logan.

Logan screamed as Remus groaned. “Oh _yeah_, needed this. Fuck, you feel so good! Can I get an A professor? I’ll do _anything_.”

Remus began pistoning his hips back and forth at a jackrabbit pace. Logan tried to loosen the knots, break the headboard, _anything_, but his muscles were weak. _I seem to have reached the freeze stage of the defense cascade, I cannot move, I cannot try to get away._ Pain and disgust were clouding his mind and consuming his awareness. He couldn’t stop howling in pain.

Remus moved his hands to wrap his arms around Logan, one arm going around his chest and the other his lower abdomen. He buried his face in Logan’s back, letting Logan feel the hot breath puffing against him and the small amount of drool collecting on his back. Remus didn’t slow down his hips at all, continuing to rut into Logan.

And with that, Logan was numb. The pain he felt seemed detached from him. He was next to the two Sides, impassively watching them. Logically, he knew he was the one being raped, the one screaming and crying, but it didn’t feel like it anymore. He watched as Remus stiffened and felt the release in his lower half, but didn’t bother reacting to it. Remus collapsed forward and panted, crushing Logan under him. Logan had gone quiet when Remus had finished, and he was just laying there staring blankly at nothing, the frames of his glasses slowly getting bent.

After a few minutes, Remus pushed himself up and pulled out of Logan roughly. Logan re-entered his body and flinched.

“Awwwww you’re not reacting anymore! That’s no fun!” Remus laid on his side and pulled Logan with him, effectively spooning the logical Side. Logan shouted as the change in position jostled his injuries, and his nausea returned when the Duke wrapped around him. _The only fortunate part of this situation is that Remus did not position us in my vomit._

“I’ve gotta get you off too, it’s what a considerate lover does,” Remus cooed in his ear. He trailed a hand down Logan’s stomach slowly and began fondling him. Logan just whimpered as he started to quietly cry.

“Don’t worry baby, I won’t tell Patton about us. Your secret’s safe with me.” He leaned forward and gently placed kisses on the back of Logan’s neck. After several minutes of Logan laying there limply and quietly weeping, Remus gave up.

“Oh well, I’m tired anyways. Night Logan!” And with that, Remus fell asleep.

Logan was in too much shock to do anything for several hours. No thoughts went through his head, no emotions were felt. He simply existed, breathing in the smell of vomit and Remus’ room, listening to the sounds of Remus sleeping, feeling the sharp, burning pain in his lower half and the strain in his shoulders. When Remus let out a particularly loud snore, that seemed to shock Logan out of spell he was under and he began to struggle, whimpering at the pain. He didn’t have a plan or strategy to get out, he just needed to _get out_.

Remus stirred and woke up with the commotion. He pulled Logan back to his chest and growled threateningly.

“Let me go, I beg of you,” Logan pleaded.

“But I had so much fun with you!” Remus mock-whined. “Should I go after your boyfriend next?”

“_**NO!**_” Logan yelled. The thought of Patton being… he couldn’t even _consider_ it.

Remus flinched as his room shook. “Fine, I guess I’ll have to hold onto you for a little while longer. You’re the only one I’m interested in anyways.”

Logan’s spirit was about to break when he felt a shift in the air. He couldn’t look behind him, but the cadence was immediately recognizable.

“Remus, as much as I _love_ walking in on you like this, please endeav- oh my, what do we have here?”

Deceit walked around the bed and met Logan’s desperate gaze.

“Deceit, help! Please, I don’t want this! Please help me!”

“You’ll have to let him go eventually.”

“Awwwww but it’s so much fun!”

Logan was aghast. “Deceit, please-”

“Hush Logan. You’re in no _position_ to be making any demands.” Deceit turned his attention to Remus. “I’ve been having to manage Thomas more than usual, now I can see why. Either let him get back to work or let me have a turn with him. I could use some stress relief,” he stated as his eyes ran up and down Logan’s shivering body.

_It’s a trick! It must be a trick! He’s Deceit! He has a plan to get me out of here!_

“Ugh, fine! Next time I get him though, I’m calling you so I can keep him for longer.”

“That is quite fair.”

Logan looked hopefully up at Deceit, but froze when he saw a tent in his pants.

_No. Please **God** no. Not again, I can’t survive another one._

The ropes fell away and Logan was frozen for a moment.

Deceit tutted. “Well? Do you really want me that badly _Logic_?”

Logan scrambled off the bed. He yelped as his knees buckled and he hit the floor, much to the amusement of the two Dark Sides. Logan sank out quickly, followed by the shrieking laughter of Deceit and Remus.

~~~~~

Logan rose up in his room, laying on his side on the floor and shivering. He closed his eyes and almost unconsciously healed and cleaned himself. He focused on the sensation of breathing for a few minutes, allowing his mind peace. Until he remembered what Deceit had stated.

_Thomas. Dear god, Thomas. I am so sorry._

Logan pushed himself up and waved his hand, fixing his glasses. He stumbled into his bathroom and turned on the shower, turning the dial so the water would be as hot as possible. Despite using mindscape magic to clean himself completely, he still felt covered in a thin film of filth. He could still feel Remus’ sticky come dripping out of him-

Logan shook his head and stepped into his shower. He laid down in the tub and let the spray hit him, unable to find the motivation to move.

_Things are different now. **I** am different. One cannot go through something like that and be unchanged._ Logan began crying weakly, seemingly for the hundredth time that evening. _Am I no longer an effective Logic? Remus certainly accomplished what he set out to do, but did that have the impact of rendering Thomas’ Logic useless? Will I duck out and be replaced?_

Logan began to sob harshly as he thought of his boyfriend. _Patton, I am so sorry. I love you so much. I hope I am not eliminated by the mind before I can say goodbye._

He stayed curled up in the tub until the water no longer felt cleansing. He shakily reached up and turned off the water, laying back down and staring numbly at the porcelain wall of the tub for an unknown amount of time.

Eventually, his urge to make sure Thomas was okay won out. He lifted himself from the tub, still feeling, tarnished but needing to dry off and get clothed nonetheless. He dried himself off, vanishing the towel to his clothes hamper immediately, making a note to bleach his clothes hamper later. He tugged on his usual ensemble, the jeans too tight around his hips and thighs and the tie too tight around his neck. He felt like he was suffocating.

_This is illogical. I am Logic. I. Must. Focus._

Logan checked on Thomas and winced. He’d nearly been late to a dinner with friends, and he hadn’t done any of the editing he had scheduled for that evening.

_I’ll need to rework the schedule completely. Thomas has to finish his portion of the editing process in order to ensure other projects are not pushed back._

Logan sat at his desk, revelling in the familiarity. _I can do this. I know how to do this. This is predictable. I am safe in my room._ He focused intently on redirecting Thomas from playing video games to getting ready for bed as he pulled up the schedule.

_If we eliminate this party, that would allow for more than enough time to finish editing. This is not a social event required for his career advancement, and it would be dangerous for Thomas to attend._ Logan deleted the event from Thomas’ calendar and replaced it with editing.

_I can do this. I just need to focus on my work. I can still be an effective Logic. I just need to focus on my work. Everything will be fine if I can be a good enough Logic. I **have** to be good enough._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi folks! In this chapter, we have Logan recalling certain aspects of his assault. Virgil has a bit of a panic attack but is quickly calmed down. Logan also attempts to have sex with Patton about halfway through the chapter, and he experiences a flashback near that time. I believe that's about it for the warnings, but please let me know if I missed any!!!

Virgil shifted uneasily, studying Logan and Patton. They seemed happy, but Logan was backsliding into old habits over the past few weeks - not showing any emotion, axing social events in order to get more work done, locking himself up in his room until Patton came by and dragged him out, and he was even more standoffish. Virgil hadn’t realized how comfortable Logan had become around them until he wasn’t anymore. Normally, he’d be relaxed in the kitchen and let Roman clap him on the shoulder. Now, if he got there before everyone else was seated, he stayed leaning against the far counter, hunched in on himself and stiff. On top of everything else, Logan had set up a new experiment, where he closed off the Dark Side by himself, without help from anyone. He had said he wanted to see what his limits were in regard to mindscape magic.

He had refused to explain the letter Virgil had caught him burning in his wastebasket, though.

And now that Virgil thought about it, he hadn’t seen Patton and Logan engage in any PDA at all.

_Oh god, are they breaking up? What happens if they break up? They’ll both be crushed, Thomas will die, we’re all going to die-_

“Breathe, love,” Roman rumbled. He placed one of his larger hands over Virgil’s slender ones. Virgil closed his eyes and focused on his breathing exercises. When he reopened his eyes, Roman’s cognac ones were burning a hole into him.

“Feeling better, sweet stormcloud?”

“Yep!” Virgil squeaked.

“Are you okay honey?”

Virgil turned his attention to Patton, who was regarding him with concern.

“I’m fine Pops,” he said as he smiled, trying to reassure the fatherly figment.

“Good! Do you know what happened?”

“I… just…” He looked in between Patton and Logan. “Are you guys still dating?!” he blurted out.

Logan blinked in surprise. “As far as I know, yes.”

“Of course we are! Why wouldn’t we be?”

Virgil flushed and looked down at the table. “I mean, you guys haven’t been as touchy-feely and shit…”

“Language.”

“Sorry. But yeah. And Logan, you’ve been… acting weird.”

Virgil raised his eyes to Logan, who had become as stiff as a statue.

“I do not know what you are referring to, Virgil. I am quite alright. I am simply striving to be a more productive Logic for Thomas.”

“Okay, yeah, but you’ve been taking out social events.”

“Social events are dangerous. Any number of individuals could hurt Thomas. Do you disagree?”

Virgil grunted in frustration. “Well, no, but he also _needs_ his friends man!”

“Safety is not less important that frivolous social activities,” Logan began, ready to go on a tangent, when he heard a gasp from beside him. He turned, and saw the wide, milk chocolate eyes of Patton.

“Lo, baby…”

Logan’s heart clenched painfully. _I am not effective as Logic if I make Thomas suffer. But I am in charge of risk assessments. How can I call myself Logic if I need help with risk assessments?_

“I apologize. I was perhaps too strict with my risk assessments. Thomas may attend social events, so long as there are people there he knows and trusts.”

Patton took Logan’s hand in his, and Logan fought against the urge to pull it back. _I cannot make Patton dirty, he is perfect. I will not taint him._

“Thank you sweetie. I know that was hard for you.” Patton sent him a soft smile, which Logan returned.

“I love you Patton.” Logan cursed the tears that sprang to his eyes. “So much.”

“Awwwww baby!” Patton squealed. “I love you too!”

Logan’s cheekbones turned pink as he dropped his head shyly. Patton giggled.

“Wanna watch movies in my room after lunch? You’ve been working so hard lately!”

Logan blinked back tears as he met Patton’s warm eyes. _I need to let Patton know I love him. He deserves to be happy. In addition, the dopamine will help Thomas._ “That sounds wonderful, my dear.”

Patton bounced excitedly in his chair. Lunch passed quickly after that, Roman whispering something in Virgil’s ear that made him turn bright red and follow the prince in a rush. Logan helped Patton clean up lunch and followed him up to his golden room afterwards.

Patton grabbed the remote and patted the spot on the bed next to him with a smile. Logan forced himself to smile back and sat on the bed calmly, folding his hands in his lap as an extra protection. _I am being ridiculous, Patton would never do something without my consent._ Nevertheless, he couldn’t find the courage to move his hands

Patton flipped on Winnie the Pooh, a movie they’ve seen together many times. He sighed and relaxed back into the mountain of pillows. Logan did his best to lean back as well to try to hide his nervousness. Patton was safety and warmth and home, but at the moment Logan felt fear with him so close.

_We are in a bed together. We have been sexually intimate before. We are usually sexually intimate several times per week. We have not been sexually intimate for several weeks. Patton has invited me up to his room. It would be an inference observation confusion to assume he wishes to initiate sexual activity with me, although it is a concern._

“Logie bear?”

Logan turned to Patton, whose brow was furrowed. “Are you okay? You don’t seem very comfortable. Am I doing something to make you uncomfortable?”

_You could never do something to make me uncomfortable. The fault lies with Remus. And partially with Deceit._

“No, my dear. I apologize, I am simply tense from recent events.”

Patton brushed his fingers across Logan’s face. “Are you sure baby? If I did something I’d rather know so I know not to do it again.”

“No darling, you have done nothing wrong.” Logan studied his beautiful boyfriend’s face, from the identical glasses they shared to Patton’s loving, joyful eyes. “I sincerely doubt there is something you would do to me to make me uncomfortable. I love you.”

Patton’s eyes grew shiny. “I love you too baby.” He closed his eyes and leaned forward. Logan closed his eyes in turn and reciprocated the soft kiss that came. Patton brought a hand up and rested it on the back of Logan’s head.

Logan felt sick, but he returned the kisses that followed. _I need to replace the sense memory of my assault. I need to enjoy sexual intimacy again. Patton will feel bad if I do not. I must replace my sense memories with Patton._

Patton brought his other hand to Logan’s waist, pulling them closer. The hair all over Logan’s body stood on end as his heart began to pound faster in fear.

_This is illogical. This is Patton. Patton would **never** hurt me._

Patton deepened the kiss, which Logan quickly reciprocated. _I must be able to kiss Patton._

Patton pulled back and stared darkly into Logan’s eyes. “Why don’t we do something to relieve some of that tension you’ve got, hm?”

Logan gulped. “I would be amenable to that.”

Patton huffed a laugh and kissed him again, this time slightly rougher. Logan fought off memories from his time with Remus, his body producing phantom sensations against his will. He allowed himself to be led further and further down the bed by Patton. As Logan lay fully on his side, he could an explosion of pain in his lower half. He gasped and pulled back, whipping his head around…

...to find no one there.

“Lo? Are you okay?”

Logan turned back to Patton, whose eyes were wide with worry.

“I’m quite alright, I apologize.”

“What happened? Do you want to stop? We can stop if you want, we don’t have to do this right now if you don’t want to, I promise.”

Logan swallowed past the lump in his throat. “I do want this Patton. I want you so badly.”

Patton smiled, though he was still worried. “If you’re sure, baby. We can do something else too, it doesn’t have to be this.”

Logan shook his head. “I would like to copulate with you.”

Patton giggled. “Well when you put it like _that_…” He leaned forward and pressed a sweet, almost chaste kiss to Logan’s lips. After a few more kisses, Patton began increasing the heat and intensity, his hand returning to Logan’s waist hesitantly. Logan reached up and grabbed a fistful of Patton’s shirt, which seemed to encourage him.

Patton’s hand was rubbing up and down Logan’s waist, making his skin crawl. _No. I must complete this. I must return things to normal._

Logan’s plan was going well, until Patton oh-so-lightly brushed his hip by accident.

Logan gasped and pulled back, Patton removing his hand immediately.

“Baby?”

Logan wasn’t in Patton’s room anymore. He was still in the Dark Side. When he looked up, he saw wild eyes and an overdone moustache.

Logan squeezed his eyes shut and curled defensively. “No, please no, I can’t, please _God_ don’t…” he whimpered.

“Oh baby! No, it’s okay! We’re not gonna do anything you don’t want, I promise! I’d _never_ hurt you honey!”

Logan was terrified, torn between two realities. Unwanted hands roamed his body, squeezing him, _forcing_ him, a terrible pain in his lower half, moisture on his upper back, the putrid scents of vomit and rotting food. He also heard his boyfriend calling for him, tearful, promising he was safe, promising he wouldn’t do anything Logan didn’t want. Logan focused aggressively on that voice.

“I w-wouldn’t raise a f-finger to you baby, I p-promise! I’d _never_ hurt you!” Patton cried.

Logan’s breath hitched as he opened his eyes and took in his boyfriend’s tear-stained face.

_I have hurt Patton. I did everything in my power to respond to his advances, but failed and harmed him to the point of tears. Patton deserves better._

Logan sank out to the pleading cries of his boyfriend to stay, to let him comfort Logan. Logan landed on his bed, curled up in a ball, and wept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad you made it!! We're definitely seeing more effects of Logan's assault. Next chapter's also going to be rough for different reasons, so please do what you need to do to prepare yourselves if you plan to read it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi folks! We have some more warnings for this chapter. A character talks about psychological torture they've endured, Logan has a pretty bad flashback brought on by the presence of Remus, and the other Sides and Thomas witness it. That's it in terms of warnings for this chapter, but as always, _please_ let me know if I've missed anything!

Over the course of the next week, Logan didn’t answer his locked door, refusing any requests to come out. He focused solely on his work, even as his heart broke when he heard Patton’s defeated sniffles retreat from his door. He pretended not to wipe away the tears that had fallen.

Logan had also spent a great deal of his energy on keeping the Dark Side closed off. He’d woken up the next morning after… _Remus_, only to find an obscene, vaguely threatening letter that smelled of rotting fruit. Logan was sickened at the suggestion to go down to Remus’ room again to have a “business meeting” with Remus and Deceit. He immediately sealed the Dark Side and burned the letter, only for Virgil to walk in on him observing the fire. Logan had deflected, although he could tell the vigilant Side wasn’t convinced.

Disregarding that incident, Logan couldn’t let them find out.

_Not only am I foolish enough to go alone to another Side’s room, Patton may see this as cheating. I cannot lose him. I would not survive. He deserves better than me, and damn me to Hell for being selfish, but I cannot survive what Remus did to me without Patton's love._

He was resigned to live out the rest of his days in solitude, until he felt an irresistible summons by Thomas.

_Oh dear. I forgot about that._

Logan rose up in his spot by the stairs and took in his Host’s appearance, resolutely ignoring Patton’s desperate stare.

Thomas had dark circles under his eyes. He was pale and looked plain _unhappy_.

“Okay guys, what the hell is going on inside my head? I feel awful and not even my friends can cheer me up.”

Patton sighed. “I think that’s my fault kiddo,” he said tearfully. Logan kept his eyes trained on his Host.

Thomas tilted his head and drew his eyebrows together. “What’s going on buddy?”

Logan saw Patton look at him out of the corner of his eye. Thomas followed Patton’s line of sight.

“Logan? Guys, what’s going on? I’m miserable here.”

Logan looked down. “I apologize Thomas. I believed that if I could perform my duties as Logic, that I could help keep you balanced and healthy.”

“They why the FUCK have you turned into a fucking hermit?!” Virgil spat.

“Virgil! Language!”

“English! Logan, seriously dude!”

Logan hunched in on himself. “It was not my intention to hurt anyone.” He clenched his jaw as he swallowed past the tightness in his throat, eyes burning. “I’m sorry.” He raised his eyes to look directly at Patton. “I’m sorry.”

Patton’s lower lip wobbled as his eyes filled with tears. “Why, Logan?” he asked wetly.

“I can help with that!” Remus sounded from behind Logan. Logan paled and stiffened as Remus leaned an elbow on his shoulder. The scent of rotten fruit entered his nostrils.

“AH!! IT’S THE DUKE!” Thomas screamed.

“Woah, dude, calm down, he can’t- wait, this isn’t coming from me. Who’s freaking out right now?” Virgil asked.

“I’m never afraid!” Roman declared, striking his royal pose and holding it. Logan ground his teeth, forcing himself to maintain a calm facade. _They cannot know, they cannot know, I cannot show emotion, I must remain calm, I am **Logic**…_

“I’m doing okay,” Patton said slowly, wringing his hands. “I mean, I’m not happy he’s here, but he can’t hurt us, right Logan?”

Logan tried to respond, but couldn’t get his voice to work. He was frozen, every muscle locked up, unable to move. Remus slid behind Logan, pressing his front against Logan’s back, wrapping his arms around him, and resting his chin on Logan’s shoulder.

Before Remus could get any of the taunts out he wanted, Logan broke.

Logan’s face crumpled. “Please, _help_…” he whimpered brokenly.

Virgil responded immediately, snarling and leaping from his position on the stairs and knocking Remus back. Logan collapsed to the ground, closing his eyes and pushing himself back blindly until he hit something. He smelled leather as he drew his knees up and held his arms over his face. _The couch? Did I hit the couch?_

Roman raced to place himself between Remus and Logan, initially intending to help his boyfriend but Virgil seemed to have it under control. At the moment, he had pinned and was beating the absolute _shit_ out of Remus.

“_**Don’t touch my family!!!**_”

“Virgil, stop!” Thomas cried, unable to stomach the violence. Virgil stopped, surprised, allowing Remus a moment to sink out. Virgil growled, but turned his attention to Logan. Patton had kneeled besides Logan, who was rocking slightly and keening.

“Please, _please_, no, I _can’t_, no more, _please_…”

“Baby, it’s okay, he’s gone,” Patton soothed, reaching out to touch his frightened boyfriend. The moment his fingertips grazed Logan’s shoulder, he let out an animalistic cry, causing Patton to jerk his hand back.

“Shhhhhh baby, I’m sorry. You’re safe now, I promise. Can you hear me honey?”

Logan’s breath hitched a few times before lifting his head. Everyone’s hearts shattered as they finally saw Logan’s eyes. They were red, terrified, _broken_.

“Logie bear?” Logan jumped and whipped his head towards Patton. “There you are sweetie. Can you tell me what happened?”

Logan whimpered before re-burying his head and sinking out. Patton cried out in protest, but Logan didn’t change course.

The four men stayed there in silence before Patton’s sniffles broke it. Roman went over and started rubbing his friend’s back with one hand. Thomas sat down next to Patton and laid a hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently and trying to be supportive.

“W-w-what happened t-to him?” Patton warbled.

“I don’t know, padre. I’ve never seen Logan like that before.” Roman met Virgil’s worried gaze. “Virgil, you’ve spent more time with the Dark Sides than any of us. Do you know what might have happened?”

Virgil frowned and shook his head. “I’m not sure. He’s played pranks before, but I have no idea what might have caused Logan to act like this around Remus.”

“Well, what kind of pranks did he pull? Maybe that’ll help us figure out what happened,” Thomas offered. Patton felt a swell of pride in his chest for his kiddo.

Virgil cast his eyes down, refusing to look anyone in the eye. “Nothin’ much, really. I mean, nothing that was permanent.” Virgil inwardly swore as he started to shake.

“My sweet love, can you tell us what he did?” Roman asked as gently as he could with the rage building in his chest.

Virgil chewed on his lip. “Just stuff like lock me in a small closet, I think it was technically a crawlspace? It’s not a big deal, he didn’t hurt me or anything, he’d just leave me in there for a while. And he’d make me blind or deaf randomly, or he’d put me in one of those nightmare sequences like the one you were in, or he’d make me think I didn’t have any arms or legs.” He shuddered as he closed his eyes and swallowed. “They were just pranks though, that was all, I didn’t need to get so worked up.”

Roman sat down and pulled Virgil into his lap. Patton and Roman immediately started cuddling him.

“That’s… that’s _terrible_, angel. Those aren’t pranks. That’s _cruelty_. That’s _sick_.”

“Did he do anything else sweetie?”

Virgil shook his head as much as he could while being aggressively cuddled by Thomas’ two strongest Sides. Not that he minded.

“No, it was just that.”

“What happened in the nightmare sequences, beautiful raven?”

Virgil closed his eyes and rested his head against his prince’s chest. “Just the mind fuckery you all saw.”

Roman hadn’t been a part of the sequence, but he’d heard enough. “I’m sorry, little crow.”

Virgil shrugged. “It’s fine, I’m fine. Maybe Logan got locked in the dark and that’s why he freaking out?”

Patton hugged Virgil closer. “I don’t think so. He didn’t seem to mind all of the other stuff Remus has thrown at him. What if…” Patton shook his head. _It **can’t** be that. Besides, Lolo wouldn’t want me talking about us getting intimate._

“What are you thinking Patton?” Thomas asked gently.

“Just that Remus did something that scared him?”

“I mean, yeah, he’d have to.” Thomas froze. “Oh shit! Will Logan be okay?! If Remus hurt him before-”

“Our rooms are very safe Thomas,” Roman interrupted. “No one can get in our rooms if we don’t allow it, and we are strongest in our rooms.”

Thomas let out a large breathe in one whoosh. “Alright. So Logan’s safe…” He looked around at his Sides. “Will you guys be safe? Until we can figure out what’s going on?”

“We will Thomas. Patton and I are going to close off the Dark Side of the mindscape so us and the Neutral Sides are safe.”

“Okay- wait, the Neutral Sides?! Who are they?!”

Roman smiled. “Another story for another day. Shall we?”

Virgil got off Patton and Roman’s laps and stood. “Yeah, I wanna go check on him.”

Patton nodded. “Me too. I need to make sure he’s okay. What if Logie needs cuddles from his boyfriend?! But if he doesn’t want to talk about it, we can’t push him.”

“Agreed. The nerd has enough of a problem expressing emotions, he probably feels awful.”

Patton nodded, stood with Roman, and all three Sides sank out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are coming to a head! With the information Patton has right now, I do think he made the right call. He doesn't know if the two events (Logan's fear of sex and his meltdown) are related or coincidental (and even if they are, talking about what happened between him and Logan might not get to the bottom of the problem anyways), and he doesn't want to betray Logan's trust.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi folks! For this chapter, we have: a few frank mentions of sexual assault, panic attacks that result in unconsciousness, really negative self-talk, flashbacks, and trauma responses. Nothing is terribly graphic, but do proceed with caution. <3

Logan collapsed on the floor, sucking in air desperately but feeling like he was drowning.

_They saw me, they know, they **know**, I panicked in front of them, I am no use to any of them, and now they know it. Despite my best efforts to be more productive, I have still failed._

Logan sobbed as another thought occurred to him.

_Remus touched me in front of them, he wrapped himself around me. Patton will think I’ve been cheating on him! No, my love, I’d **never** cheat on you. Oh god, the last thing he’ll think of me before I’m eliminated from the mind for being an absolute failure is that I was unfaithful!_

Logan was trying to breathe unsuccessfully and was nearly unconscious when he heard a few tentative knocks at his door.

“Honey? Can we come in?”

Something loosened in Logan’s chest at Patton’s concerned voice. He sucked in as much air as he could. _Oh. This is a panic attack._

The knocks sounded again. “Baby? Do you want us to come in?”

A terrifying thought occurred to Logan. “Is Remus with you?” he asked, voice breathless and choked.

“Oh sweetie, no! Roman and I locked the Dark Side!”

Logan wheezed, the relief quickly being overtaken by panic. “Don’t talk to him. He’s… not safe.” Logan winced at his imprecise wording.

“Okay honey, we won’t. Can we come in?”

Logan was too limp to even wave his hand to unlock his door. _I can’t let them see me like this. I look pathetic, curled up on the floor and breathless for no real reason._ “I am sorry, not right now.”

“Alright, just let us know if you need anything?”

Logan let out an involuntary sob at the kindness in Patton’s voice. “I will.”

There was a pause from outside the door. “I love you Logan.”

Logan broke down into sobs once more. “I love you t-too. So m-much, Patton.”

Logan heard two sets of footsteps move away from the door. “Same here Lolo. I’ll never stop loving you.”

Logan tried to take in air, but with his sobs overtaking him, he couldn’t get enough. His vision tunneled, and he blacked out.

/////

Over the next week, Logan stayed inside his room, refusing to unlock it or let anyone in. He even refused the plates of food left outside his door by Patton. Not only was he ashamed of his behavior and uncertain as to how he might react when he sees his loved ones again, but he was terrified that if he opened the door, Remus would be standing there, as illogical as it was. _Truly, I am useless as Logic._ He stayed in bed as much as possible, his depression and trauma consuming all his energy, only getting out to do necessary work for Thomas.

That all changed when an unfamiliar knock came at his door as he laid in bed.

“Logan, buddy?” Thomas called nervously.

_Oh. Oh dear. This is embarrassing._ Not only was Logan in the same sweatpants and t-shirt he’d been wearing for the past week, he hadn’t showered, his bed and desk were a mess, and his bathroom was a disaster. Reluctantly, he snapped and unlocked his door.

_I cannot refuse my Host entrance._

_Yes you can. That’s not why you’re letting them in._

Thomas, Patton, Roman, and Virgil slowly walked in, taking stock of Logan’s environment, and finally Logan when they saw him. Logan had used most of his will and energy to push himself into a sitting position where his legs were draped over the side of the bed.

Patton spoke first, taking a small step towards Logan. Logan had to fight not to flinch. “Hey sweetie,” Patton began carefully. “do you feel up to talking?”

Logan clenched his fists in the bedsheet still partially draped over his lap. He nodded silently, keeping his eyes trained on the ground.

“Okay honey, just let us know and we can stop if you get overwhelmed. Can you tell us what happened with Remus a week ago?”

Logan’s mind went blank. “He wrapped his arms around me,” he rasped.

“Oh sweetie, your throat sounds so sore! Can Roman get some water for you?”

Logan let the question hang in the air for a moment before silently nodding. He saw Roman move out of the corner of his eye, heard his sink turn on and off, and saw him hand a glass to Patton.

Patton slowly extended the glass. “Here you go baby.”

Logan took the glass slowly, careful to get a good grip before bringing the glass towards him. He drank half of it and placed it on his nightstand. “Thank you.”

“You’re quite welcome, Logan!”

The bombastic reply was enough to ignite a small spark of life in Logan’s chest.

“We saw him wrap his arms around you. Can you tell us what made you react so… strongly?”

“I apologize. I am Logic, I should not display such strong emotions.”

“No, baby! It’s okay! We just want to know what happened. You said afterwards that Remus wasn’t safe to be around.”

“He is not,” Logan said emphatically, terrified one of the Sides might try to test his statement.

“We believe you honey,” Patton quickly reassured. “We just want to know why you said that after he wrapped his arms around you?”

Logan felt like he was falling. Logically, he knew he was still in his room, but he smelled rotting fruit. _No. No please, I can’t. I can’t handle another flashback right now._ He felt the pain, the disgust, the _violation_.

“Logan? Can you hear me?”

Logan’s head twitched to the side maybe half an inch, but it was the biggest reaction they’d seen out of Logan so far. They were stunned when they saw his eyes grow shiny as he tilted his head down. Patton thought he saw a small quiver in his jaw.

“Oh baby, it’s okay. Can you hear me?”

Logan nodded as two tears slipped down his face.

“Do you want me to hold you?”

They heard choked cries in Logan’s chest as his shoulders quaked and he nodded. Patton quickly sat down on the bed next to Logan and pulled him close as Logan buried his face into the crook of Patton’s neck and started crying.

“Shhhhh baby, I’m here. Let it out, there you go.”

Patton rocked them back and forth slightly for twenty minutes, the three other men in the room standing silently until Logan’s cries quieted.

Logan sagged into Patton, exhausted. “I-I apologize for m-m-my outburst.”

“Honey, no! You don’t have to apologize! Did something I say upset you?” Patton asked guiltily.

Logan’s stomach dropped at the sound of Patton’s distress. _I will **not** upset Patton._ “N-no, you didn’t. I apologize. I believe I experienced a flashback.”

“A flashback… baby, can you tell me what Remus did to you?” Patton asked, dreading the answer. Patton looked up and saw three horrified and furious faces.

Logan just whimpered and pressed closer to Patton, breathing in his scent.

“It’s okay honey, you don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to. We can tell it’s something bad. Would it help if Virgil shared what he went through when he was in the Dark Side? He said he’s willing to if it’ll help.”

Logan’s head snapped up to Virgil. “He hurt you?! My god, what did he do?!” he asked frantically.

Virgil shifted. “He put me in nightmare sequences like what you saw, and he’d lock me in small, dark spaces. He’d take away my sight and hearing and make me think I didn’t have any limbs.”

“Dear god, _Virgil_…” Logan shook his head. “Did he do anything else?” he asked seriously, tear tracks marring his face. Patton tilted his head.

“He didn’t do that to you?”

Logan seemed to have realized what he’d done. He froze, paled, and held his body stiffly for several long seconds before he looked down and started hyperventilating.

“Breathe baby. It’s okay, you’re safe, we’re all safe now.”

Patton and Virgil led Logan through several breathing exercises. He let out a shaky sigh when he felt more in control.

“Are you back with us?” Patton asked softly. Logan nodded against his neck.

Patton rubbed his shoulder. “We can stop if you want. We don’t have to keep going.”

Logan pressed against Patton again, uncertain.

“Do you need help deciding?”

Logan nodded.

“Okay. Do you think Remus poses a risk to all of us?”

“Yes,” Logan replied immediately.

“Gotcha. Would it help keep us safe if we knew what he did to you?”

Logan pondered that for a moment. _Why do I have this strong urge to tell them? I can’t, but maybe…_ “Virgil, are you certain that’s all Remus has done to you?”

“I’m sure, Lo. I promise he hasn’t done anything else to me.”

“Nothing? Dear god, what he put you through is unimaginable. What about in the nightmare sequences? Did he simulate anything else?”

Virgil realized what Logan was looking for. “What specifically are you looking for L?”

Logan sucked in a trembling breath. _I need to do this in one go, or else I won’t be able to at all._ “D-did he-” Logan cut off with a whimper, Patton squeezing him slightly. Logan’s chest felt like it was filling with cotton as he felt blood rush to his arms and legs. “Did he… did he sexually assault you?”

There a pause for a beat, and then Patton was clutching him desperately. He heard gasps and snarls from beside the bed as Patton let out a sob.

“B-baby… D-did he…?”

Logan breathed in Patton’s warm vanilla scent. Roman and Virgil had to catch Thomas as his knees buckled. They set him down in the desk chair, holding their pale Host.

Patton ached to go over and help his sweet, loving Host, but he knew he had to focus on his boyfriend.

“Do you want to tell me what he did, baby?”

Logan let out a sob. _I have to tell them, but I can’t tell them!! Patton will hate me, none of them will believe me. I can’t tell them! But what if they think they can handle him? Oh god, they **can’t** be raped, I won’t let them! It will be my fault if they are! I will not let them be hurt!_ “H-he raped m-me,” he forced out before gasping and letting out a sob.

Patton held Logan as close as possible. “Oh my sweet baby, oh honey…”

Logan started weakly crying, Patton rocking them back and forth again. Patton had his face in Logan’s hair to try to hide his tears. Thomas was crying, hand mashed over his mouth to muffle his sobs, not wanting to take any attention away from Logan. Roman and Virgil both had tears running down their hardened, furious faces as they did their best to try to support their Host.

“I’m so sorry, honey,” Patton whispered. _What on Earth do you say to someone who’s just been sexually assaulted?!_ “I believe you, baby.” By the harsh sobs that came from his boyfriend, matched by his Host, Patton figured he was on the right track. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Logan shook his head. “I w-went to his r-room, he didn’t even ask m-m-me for help, he j-just w-wanted me there.”

Patton took a deep breath to calm his anger. _My anger isn’t going to help Logan right now. I need to stay calm._ “That’s not your fault. There’s now way you could have known. He lured you. That’s his fault, not yours.”

“It w-wasn’t cheating! I d-didn’t c-c-consent! I didn’t ch-cheat on y-you!”

“Oh sweetie, I know! That’s not cheating! That’s not sex!”

Logan went nearly boneless in Patton’s hold as he continued to cry. Patton just held him and rubbed his back, knowing he needed to get some of the pain out. _My sweet Logie, how much pain have you been in?_

“It’s okay baby, let it out, it’s okay to cry, you’re doing good,” he murmured soothingly.

After fifteen minutes, Logan’s cries settled down.

“How are you feeling, honey?” Patton asked.

Logan’s breath was still violently hitching. “B-better.”

“Good. Is there anything else you want to say or do you want to get some rest?”

Logan leaned against Patton and closed his eyes. Patton was ready to help him drink the rest of the water and go to sleep when Logan spoke again.

“D-Deceit was there t-too.”

Patton looked over to the desk. Thomas was pale and trembling, while Roman and Virgil’s irises were glowing red and purple respectively.

“Did he…?” Patton asked.

“No, b-but he w-wanted t-to. He said he d-did and m-m-made a deal with R-Remus that if Remus c-caught me again, Deceit w-would get a t-turn.” Twin snarls echoed from the desk while Patton tightened his arms. “And he w-wanted to when Remus was d-down there. He s-said so and I could s-s-see, u-um…” Logan swallowed a dry heave. “But Remus let m-me go and I g-got out of there.” He started breaking down again. “I w-w-want to stop t-talking n-now, please.”

“Okay, we’ll stop talking about it now. Do you think you can drink the rest of the water?”

Logan nodded and pressed closer to Patton. Roman walked over and handed Patton the glass of water while Virgil did his breathing exercises and helped Thomas.

Patton noticed Logan kept his face turned away from the three other men in the room. He looked at them as if to say, _It’s your turn to say something._

Roman cleared his throat. “I would only echo the sentiments Patton made. Logan, I am so deeply sorry this happened to you. I believe you. It’s not your fault.”

Virgil sniffled. “What Roman said. And I’ll kick their asses anytime.”

“Same here.”

Patton felt a small huff of air against his neck.

Thomas got up from the desk chair and knelt in front of Logan. Logan turned and looked down at Thomas warily, confused as to what Thomas was doing.

“Logan,” Thomas began thickly. “I’m so fucking _sorry_. If there’s anything I can do, let me know?”

Logan smiled at his loving Host. “I will. J-just take care of y-yourself?”

Thomas smiled up at his Logical Side. “I will buddy. You too.”

“I will.”

With that, Thomas sank out with Virgil and Roman, leaving Logan alone with Patton.

_Patton has learned that the last person I slept with was Remus. Will he want to change that since he’s my boyfriend? Will he ask me to prove my fidelity? Will he-_

“Can you breathe for me baby?”

Logan forced himself to suck in air. He swallowed a few times to make sure the air wouldn’t come rushing out, then released his breath. He repeated a few times to calm his racing mind somewhat.

“There you are honey. Do you want to stay up or rest?”

Logan took stock of his body. Although he’d been spending less energy ever since Patton and Roman put a more permanent fix in place to keep everyone safe from the Dark Sides, he still felt exhausted nearly every minute of the day.

“I believe I should rest.”

“Okay sweetie. Do you want me to stay or leave?”

“Please don’t go,” Logan whimpered before he realized he was speaking. “B-but I c-can’t…” he trailed off, unable to finish his sentence.

“It’s okay. I can stay. Do you want me a somewhere besides the bed?”

Logan sniffled, breathing in vanilla. “I can’t ask you t-to be uncomfortable j-just for my sake.”

“I won’t be! I can just conjure a cot or something so I’d still be here, just not on the bed?”

Logan considered that. “Th-that might work.”

Patton waved his hand, and a moment later a small cot was set up in Logan’s room.

“Do you want to take a nap until dinner?” Patton asked quietly.

Logan nodded, already falling asleep. _I can try dinner. For them. For Patton._

“Alright. I’ll be right here if you need anything,” Patton said as he slowly stood. Upon receiving no resistance from Logan, he walked over to and laid down in the cot. Logan had his eyes closed and simply laid down, pulling the loose sheets over his body and taking his glasses off.

Patton waited until Logan was fully asleep before getting up and tidying his room for him. _I can do this for you. I’ll be here for you, I promise. I love you, Logie bear._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're on the second to last chapter! The next one will involve Logan's healing process and the support he gets from his famILY.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the last chapter, and I have _feelings_. Ugh, the bane of my existence!! For warnings, there are mentions of crying and panic attacks, on-screen crying, a pretty gnarly on-screen panic attack, negative self-thoughts, references to past sexual assault, a character trying to initiate sex when he's not ready (but he's unsuccessful, his boyfriend knows better), and a bit of kissing. Let me know if I missed anything!!

It took three weeks before Logan was able to leave his room.

There were some days he refused to allow anyone into his room and silently had a panic attack while they stood outside his door. Other days, he was certain he’d die the second Patton stopped holding him.

In the meantime, Patton - and occasionally Roman or Virgil - brought food up to him. Logan didn’t miss how they flinched away from him. When Roman dropped the plate because he wanted to avoid touching Logan, Logan had reached his limit.

“I have showered since the incident,” he grated acerbically, “I am not still contaminated!”

Roman had looked properly chastised, but Logan didn’t give him a chance to respond, slamming the door in his face. He collapsed on his bed and gave into the sobs that came.

_Roman was not wrong. You are still contaminated._

_I know this. I’ll apologize to him later._

It took a badly-shaped cookie from Roman and sad sighs outside Logan’s door to speak to Roman. To his surprise, Roman apologized. Logan accepted it in his confusion and didn’t realize what had happened until after Roman had already left for his own room.

_Go, you fool! You must correct this!_

In a surge of panic, Logan chased after Roman but paused when he heard Roman’s door shut.

His skin felt like ice. _I’m in the hallway. I’m outside._ Logan looked around. _It’s not safe here. He can get me out here. I’m not safe. What if one of **them** finds me and hurts me again? I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…_

Logan only noticed he was hyperventilating when his knees buckled and he collapsed.

_Breathe normally!! Come on, **breathe**!! I am Logic, I **cannot** fail in something so simple!!!_ He panicked when he heard footsteps approaching. _No no no no **no no no**…_

__

When he saw movement enter his field of vision, he squeezed his eyes shut and whimpered. _Not again, I can’t survive this again, I **can’t**…_

__

“Logan, baby? Can you hear me?” 

__

_Patton? No, it could be Deceit impersonating him again. I will not fall for it!_

__

“It’s okay Logie Bear, I’m here. You don’t have to worry.”

__

Logan jumped. _Only Patton calls me Logie Bear._

__

Logan cracked an eye open. “Patton?” he wheezed.

__

Patton smiled sadly down at him. “Hey honey. Do you feel up to doing a breathing exercise?”

__

Logan nodded slowly, his awareness foggy.

__

“We’re gonna breathe in for four seconds, hold for seven, and breathe out for eight, okay? In for one, two, three, four…”

__

Patton led Logan through breathing exercises for ten minutes before Logan was able to complete the entire set a few times in a row.

__

“There you go sweetie. How are you feeling?”

__

Logan was still scared, but he didn’t feel as though he was out of control any more. “I feel better. Thank you Patton,” he said roughly, throat dry.

__

“It’s not a problem baby. I’m glad you’re feeling better. Do you want to go back to your room?”

__

__

For some reason, the thought of going back to his room, the place he’d been right _after_, made him become emotional again. He shook his head as tears escaped his eyes. 

__

“I-it is illogical, I’m s-sorry.”

__

“Not at all Lolo! Want to come to my room?”

__

Logan tensed and nodded. _He’s your **boyfriend**, and he’s not the last person you were with. Of **course** he wants you to prove your faithfulness._

__

“Alright baby. Want a hand up?”

__

Patton helped Logan stand and walk to his room. Patton gently sat Logan on the bed, heart breaking at the tears that continued to slide down his face, but determined to help his boyfriend feel better. He grabbed a glass of water from his bathroom and walked back, surprised to see Logan fidgeting with the hem of his shirt; that’s usually something he’d see from Virgil.

__

“Is something wrong honey?”

__

Logan startled at Patton’s voice. _He must have been inside that smart head of his. Poor baby._

__

“My apologies Patton.” Logan frowned at the glass of water in Patton’s hand. “What is that for?”

__

“It’s for you to drink!”

__

Logan nodded silently as his face turned red. From what, Patton couldn’t tell. He handed the glass to Logan and watched as Logan chugged the water at a concerning pace.

__

“Careful baby, don’t drink too fast!”

__

Logan had already finished and hung his head.

__

“It’s okay sweetie, I promise! Want me to take that from you?”

__

Patton’s chest squeezed painfully at the wet sniffle. “Yes, th-that is probably a g-good idea.”

__

Patton just set the glass on his nightstand and sat next to Logan. “Is something else going on sweetie?”

__

Logan tensed. “No, I just love you so much. I promise.”

__

Patton frowned. “I love you too honey. I know you love me. Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

__

Logan’s breath started hitching. “Nothing, it’s f-fine, w-we can do this…” when Logan grabbed the bottom hem of his shirt, Patton realized what was going on and gently covered his intelligent boyfriend’s hands with his own.

__

“We’re not having sex today baby,” he said softly.

__

Logan sagged in relief. “W-why not?”

__

Patton started moving his thumbs over Logan’s hands. “Because you don’t want to.”

__

“I-I do! I s-swear I do!”

__

Patton delicately brought Logan’s hands to his mouth and kissed each one. “No you don’t. And that’s okay, we don’t have to. I really don’t mind.”

__

Patton watched as Logan choked back a sob. “I understand.”

__

_I don’t think he does._ “What do you understand baby?”

__

“Must I say it?” Logan asked quietly to himself. Patton was pretty sure Logan didn’t even realize he’d spoken out loud. “That you are disgusted by me. It’s alright. I kn-know I’m contaminated.”

__

Patton reared back. “What?! Baby, no! You’re not contaminated!! What Remus did to you didn’t change that!”

__

“Didn’t it?!” Logan flinched at the volume of his own voice. “My apologies. But does this not have an impact on me?”

__

“It does, because it’s traumatic, but it doesn’t make you gross or anything like that!”

__

Logan just sniffled.

__

Patton lightly squeezed his hands. “Why did you think I wanted to have sex with you today?”

__

Logan closed his eyes. “T-to prove my faithfulness to y-you.”

__

Patton’s heart felt like it was tearing in two. “Can I hug you?”

__

With Logan’s nod, Patton wrapped Logan in a gentle hug, heart mending just a little when Logan relaxed in his hold.

__

“I know you wouldn’t cheat on me,” Patton whispered, “And what Remus did doesn’t change that one bit. I would never think that, and I’d _never_ want you to “prove” yourself by having sex you don’t want. I’d _never_ want you to do something with me you don’t want to.”

__

Logan began quietly weeping. Patton started rocking them back and forth slightly, having become familiar with the sensation of his boyfriend quietly crying over the past several weeks.

__

After an unknown amount of time passed and Logan had calmed somewhat, Patton nuzzled the top of Logan’s head.

__

“Do you want company or alone time?”

__

“Stay, please,” Logan begged desperately.

__

“I will honey. Wanna watch some TV?”

__

Logan nodded. They moved up the bed, Logan hesitantly nestling against Patton. Patton draped an arm over Logan’s shoulder just as hesitantly and started rubbing it as soon as he heard the contented sigh. They watched _Big Hero Six_ until Logan fell asleep against Patton, who gently rearranged them so Logan could sleep more comfortably. He had to hold himself back from squealing when Logan snuggled against his chest in his sleep.

__

“I’ll always love you,” Patton whispered into his hair. “That’s a promise.”

__

/////

__

Over the next several weeks, Logan began venturing out of his and Patton’s rooms for meal times, and then for famILY movie nights. There were several times when he had to silently cry into Patton’s chest when he became scared or overwhelmed. Since Logan had chewed out Roman, both Virgil and Roman had gotten much better at treating Logan normally.

__

At the moment, Logan and Patton were the only ones still awake during the movie night. Roman and Virgil were asleep, cuddled together on the couch.

__

Patton quietly giggled. “Aren’t they adorable?”

__

“Indeed they are,” Logan said distantly.

__

Patton turned to look at him. “You okay sweetie?”

__

Logan sighed and looked down. “I am. I just feel guilty.”

__

“You don’t have to feel guilty! I’ve already told you I don’t mind not doing what we used to!”

__

“I know, and I believe you,” Logan reassured. _For the most part._ “I have simply had moments where I don’t feel awful. They are brief, but there are seconds where my chest doesn’t feel as tight, my skin not as greasy, my soul untarnished.”

__

Patton started tearing up, but knew to let Logan continue. Roman had conjured Dr. Picani for Logan to talk to, but Logan had yet to go and this was the most Logan had opened up to any of them so far. _Is that how you feel? Oh my sweet baby, you don’t deserve that!!_

__

Logan continued. “But I went through what was apparently a traumatic event. Yet I have moments of calm. Did I-” he sucked in a breath, “did I actually want it?”

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“No baby, you didn’t! You don’t have to be feeling bad all the time after you’ve gone through something like that! What he did to you is still real!”

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Logan sagged against him. “Logically, I knew that, but I seem to be failing as Logic as of late.”

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Patton hugged Logan against him. “You’re not failing at anything. You’re healing and doing so well at that.”

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They sat there in silence for a few minutes while Logan adjusted to the weight lifted from his chest. He looked up at Patton and bit his lip.

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“May I kiss you?”

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Patton’s eyebrows shot up. “Do you want to?”

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Logan smiled and met his eyes. “I do. I truly do.”

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Patton loosened his arm but kept it on Logan. “Then go right ahead cowboy!”

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Logan huffed out a laugh as he leaned up. They shared a sweet kiss, Patton following Logan’s lead. Despite them not using tongue, they both still felt the passion and love exchanged between them.

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Logan pulled back, cheekbones dusted pink and mouth curved upwards. “Thank you Patton. I enjoyed that.”

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Patton booped Logan’s nose. “Me too baby.” They both laughed quietly, and Patton became more serious. “You’ll get to where you want to be. I know it.”

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Logan rested his head on Patton’s shoulder and closed his eyes. “I believe you.”

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As Logan fell asleep, held by his loving boyfriend, he felt for the first time that Patton just might be right.

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! The end!! Our sweet nerd got his happy ending, and it's realistic!! In the future, I may write one-shots in this universe, but we'll see what my muse thinks about that. In the meantime, thank you for coming on this ride with me!!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey folks!! I'm not gonna lie, things are gonna suck for a while, even with little spots of sun. Hang on, because it's gonna be a bumpy ride before we get to any substantial comfort. This does have a happy ending though, I swear!


End file.
